The Overwhelmed Woman

The Overwhelmed Woman. Yes, that's me. It makes me want to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed... Eat whatever isn't bolted down in the fridge... Join a seminary so that I can just drown myself in God's words and never have to live in the often fallen and broken world in which stresses live.

•   I'll bet you might be the overwhelmed woman, too, especially if you are a wife, mom, student, employee, business-owner, home-maker, homeschooler, care-giver, volunteer, or any or all of these rolled into one. It seems that in America, we somewhere got the impression that being busy and seemingly "together" represents the appropriate status for which a woman should strive....always having each of the kids in 7.2 activities concurrently with laundry washed, folded, and in the right dresser drawers, a healthy, organic meal that is the perfect balance of low-fat carbs, high-quality protein, and a rainbow of fruit and veggie colors, a sexually satisfied and high-earning husband, a cute new haircut, and daily 40 minute workouts that combine the right amount of cardio, strength-training, and flexibility-work on top of gasoline in the car, paid-bills, and finding our cell phone and keys.
• As a Christian, a master's level counselor, a trained life-coach, I often help others to manage their stressors, and I try to use techniques in my own life to make things go smoother, but don't think for a minute that I or any other person out there has it all together. We are all just trying to do our best to keep our heads above water while also striving to gain a high quality-of-life in which we can best enjoy our loved ones, achieve our life's purposes, and be as happy as possible.
• These are good things, but we are only human. Happiness and perfection are not the end-all be-all purposes of life. Giving God your life through accepting the love and salvation of Jesus is. If you are carrying the weights of the world on your shoulders today, remember that Jesus accepts you just as you are. He will be your strength; turn to Him and rest in Him. Lay your burdens at His feet, and trust that He is enough; you are enough, even when you burn dinner, finish off the ice cream, get the kids to the bus too late, and lock yourself out of the house. ;)

10 Do's and Don'ts for Conflict

Do listen for the feeling your spouse is trying to communicate rather than just the words he/she is using.

Do reflect back to your spouse what you are hearing: "I am hearing you say that you feel hurt and criticized when I ..."

Do accept responsibility for your contributions to your spouse's pain.

Do change and repent; seek the Lord for strength.

Do build your spouse up with your words and actions.

Don't blame your spouse.  Speak from your feelings rather than from accusations.  Say, "When you _____, I feel ______, would you please ______?" rather than yelling something like, "You always mess up my plans by __________!"

Don't use "always" and "never."  They are always never a good idea for constructive discussion.

Don't raise your voice.  The bible says that a gentle answer turns away wrath :)

Don't hold a grudge. (and don't throw a resolved issue back at your spouse later)

Don't forget to forgive, followed by lots of hugging, kissing, and making-up!

Good Husband or Bad Husband

Husbands, do you embody more of the "Good Husband" or "Bad Husband" traits below?  If you don't like the balance, make a change!

Characteristics of a Good Husband

Listens to his wife's words and to her heart

Puts her needs and desires above his own

In an argument, seeks resolution and reconnection

Prays for, and with, his wife and family

Builds his wife up, both in person and to others

Knows when to "fix it", and when to just listen

Saves his affections and sexual attention for his wife

Characteristics of a Bad Husband

Listens half-heartedly to his wife; would rather watch the game.

Is concerned with what's he's "due" rather than what he can "do" for her

In an argument, seeks victory and justification

Prayer?  That's private.

Criticizes his wife for everything; jokes about her with his buds

Tries to fix things before listening, or tells his wife to "get over it"

"I'm married, not dead."

It can be easy to fall into some of the "bad husband" traps.  Be aware of what they are, and make a conscious effort to change.  Be a REAL man, and be the GOOD HUSBAND your wife needs you to be!

Are You a Good or a Bad Wife?

Check out the lists below to find out if you embody mostly "Good Wife" characteristics or mostly "Bad Wife" characteristics. The cool thing is that you can change your behaviors any time, so stop doing the bad and start practicing good wifely traits :):

Good Wifely Characteristics                        

Uses Respectful Words and Attitudes                   

Calmly discusses                                      

Builds up/Praises her husband to others

Sexually Willing

Thinks more of her husbands needs than her own

Accepts responsibility for her own failings     

 Remembers what her husband does right                               

Bad Wifely Characteristics

Uses Critical Words and Attitudes

Yells and Rages

Bad-mouths her husband to others                      

Sexually Avoidant

Thinks more of ways her husband is failing her

Blames everything on her husband

Reminds herself, her husband, and everyone else what her husband does wrong


Which one will you be? A Good Wife? or A Bad Wife? You can choose today; be good to your man!

Counterfeit Sex

Is sex a sin? Absolutely not, when kept in marriage of course. The problem arises when temptations for lust and desire are for those you aren't married to. Sex before or outside of marriage is a counterfeit, porn is a counterfeit, living together without being married is a counterfeit. Only in marriage can sex unite two as one, in the bond of unity created for and by God. A sexless marriage is also sin. Unity in marriage tears down walls, builds intimacy, and exposes one's soul to their spouse and keeps the bond growing richer and deeper throughout a lifetime. Don't mistake a physical connection alone as intimacy or as desireable. The real deal of ultimate union, intimacy, and love is marriage between a husband and wife. Anything else is a deception that will ultimately lead to destruction of something whether that be unity, respect, love, commitment, trust, or true intimacy. Eliminate the counterfeit and find authentic connection in body, soul, mind, and spirit in marriage.

The Power of Words

Words. The power of them is something many people underestimate, do you? Do you remember a time someone made you feel amazing with something they said to you or about you? Now, do you remember a time words hurt you so much you felt like you were hit in the gut? That same power, to build up or to tear down, rests in you each and every day with your own family, your spouse, your children. What are your words saying? Are they building or tearing down?

The Marriage Saver

As Christian marriage coaches, it should be no surprise that Tim and I are believers in the one and only true answer to marriage problems...the Lord (and all of life's other problems, too :-)! Yet, what might that look like in everyday life? Well, there was an amazing statistic presented at our church this weekend. It was one that we had never heard before, and we have heard many. We've heard it stated that 50% of all marriages are estimated to fail in the general population and that 35% of Christian marriages are estimated to fail. However, the one from this weekend was encouraging....for couples who pray together? The odds go from 1 out of 3 marriages failing to 1 out of 1500 (or a number around there, I don't EXACTLY remember, lol). However, the point of the statistic is powerful marriage saving knowledge! If you don't already, please consider praying for your spouse daily. If you each do that already, consider praying together regularly. Prayer, a practical, everyday marriage saver...communication with the ultimate Marriage Saver. What have you got to lose?