Yellful Thanksgiving?

Whether the guests are coming soon, or you are the guests, Thanksgiving and the holidays in general can be a bit unnerving.  When there is so much to do and so many different personalities to navigate, the stress can mount.  Rushing to get the Turkey thawed and stuffed, carpets vacuumed, guest towels up, and kids bathed and dressed can add up to a recipe for emotional explosion.  Also frazzling can be trying to get everyone packed up and out-the-door for a visit of any length to anywhere!

The trick to making the celebrations happy rather than snappy is to recognize that even if the tensions are running high, you have a CHOICE as to how you will respond.  You can yell, complain, and bark orders at the family, hoping for compliance, or you can be calm, speak gently, and convey warmth to your loved ones.  No matter how you FEEL, you can choose how you will respond, and when you speak and act in loving and measured tones, you may just find that you feel better AND get a better response from others...a win-win!

Happy Thanksgiving!

5 Simple Steps to Change

Do you ever feel like there are so many things that you are trying to accomplish in life that it cannot possibly all be done?  You are not alone.  For years, people spin their wheels trying to accomplish multiple goals and to make multiple changes.  For example, we want to be thinner, richer, more spiritual, a better parent, a better spouse, but time passes, and the next thing you know, the more things change, the more they stay the same, right?

If this is you, don't lose heart!

The key to true change is found in the following five simple steps:

• Give it to the Lord-  Trying to do it all in your own strength is tiring!

• Decide on the Smallest Change that You Can Make That Will Make the Most Impact-

For instance, if you want to lose weight and be more financially stable, perhaps the biggest impact can come from the simple change of stopping eating out, or the simple change of learning to do meal planning, or the simple change of learning to cook some frugal and healthy meals at home.  Whatever you decide, remember KISS--Keep It Simple Special-One.

• Decide on a Specific Goal, and Write It Down.-  Do you want to end up with $500.00 in savings by the end of the year?  Do you want to lose ten pounds by Thanksgiving?   Decide on when you will check to see if you made your goal.  Then, write it down.  Goals are more likely to be met when they are in writing; it focuses your attention and reinforces your focus.

•  Do the Next Right Thing- We are each human, so it is likely that there will be glitches along the way to your goal.  Re-evaluate, tweak your plan if needed, but do not give up.  Simply do the next right thing, and make the next right choice.

• Keep Moving Forward- As you attain your first goal, keep up your momentum.  Celebrate your success, and decide on where you would like to go from there.  It is not impossible to make big changes with simple and easy steps.

Grace

Have you ever felt that you are so right and your spouse is just SO wrong...only to find out later that your spouse actually was right and you were wrong?  I have.  It's an experience that few of us probably enjoy.  Fortunately, there is grace. 

Grace covers our mistakes.  Grace covers our flaws.  When we goof, we should be grateful for grace.
Yet, we can do well to extend grace to others.  Grace to our spouse and kids.  Grace to our co-workers.  Grace to our neighbors.

They just may be grateful, too.  And, it frees us from accidentally putting our own pride on display.

The Overwhelmed Woman

The Overwhelmed Woman. Yes, that's me. It makes me want to pull the covers over my head and go back to bed... Eat whatever isn't bolted down in the fridge... Join a seminary so that I can just drown myself in God's words and never have to live in the often fallen and broken world in which stresses live.

•   I'll bet you might be the overwhelmed woman, too, especially if you are a wife, mom, student, employee, business-owner, home-maker, homeschooler, care-giver, volunteer, or any or all of these rolled into one. It seems that in America, we somewhere got the impression that being busy and seemingly "together" represents the appropriate status for which a woman should strive....always having each of the kids in 7.2 activities concurrently with laundry washed, folded, and in the right dresser drawers, a healthy, organic meal that is the perfect balance of low-fat carbs, high-quality protein, and a rainbow of fruit and veggie colors, a sexually satisfied and high-earning husband, a cute new haircut, and daily 40 minute workouts that combine the right amount of cardio, strength-training, and flexibility-work on top of gasoline in the car, paid-bills, and finding our cell phone and keys.
• As a Christian, a master's level counselor, a trained life-coach, I often help others to manage their stressors, and I try to use techniques in my own life to make things go smoother, but don't think for a minute that I or any other person out there has it all together. We are all just trying to do our best to keep our heads above water while also striving to gain a high quality-of-life in which we can best enjoy our loved ones, achieve our life's purposes, and be as happy as possible.
• These are good things, but we are only human. Happiness and perfection are not the end-all be-all purposes of life. Giving God your life through accepting the love and salvation of Jesus is. If you are carrying the weights of the world on your shoulders today, remember that Jesus accepts you just as you are. He will be your strength; turn to Him and rest in Him. Lay your burdens at His feet, and trust that He is enough; you are enough, even when you burn dinner, finish off the ice cream, get the kids to the bus too late, and lock yourself out of the house. ;)

10 Do's and Don'ts for Conflict

Do listen for the feeling your spouse is trying to communicate rather than just the words he/she is using.

Do reflect back to your spouse what you are hearing: "I am hearing you say that you feel hurt and criticized when I ..."

Do accept responsibility for your contributions to your spouse's pain.

Do change and repent; seek the Lord for strength.

Do build your spouse up with your words and actions.

Don't blame your spouse.  Speak from your feelings rather than from accusations.  Say, "When you _____, I feel ______, would you please ______?" rather than yelling something like, "You always mess up my plans by __________!"

Don't use "always" and "never."  They are always never a good idea for constructive discussion.

Don't raise your voice.  The bible says that a gentle answer turns away wrath :)

Don't hold a grudge. (and don't throw a resolved issue back at your spouse later)

Don't forget to forgive, followed by lots of hugging, kissing, and making-up!

Good Husband or Bad Husband

Husbands, do you embody more of the "Good Husband" or "Bad Husband" traits below?  If you don't like the balance, make a change!

Characteristics of a Good Husband

Listens to his wife's words and to her heart

Puts her needs and desires above his own

In an argument, seeks resolution and reconnection

Prays for, and with, his wife and family

Builds his wife up, both in person and to others

Knows when to "fix it", and when to just listen

Saves his affections and sexual attention for his wife

Characteristics of a Bad Husband

Listens half-heartedly to his wife; would rather watch the game.

Is concerned with what's he's "due" rather than what he can "do" for her

In an argument, seeks victory and justification

Prayer?  That's private.

Criticizes his wife for everything; jokes about her with his buds

Tries to fix things before listening, or tells his wife to "get over it"

"I'm married, not dead."

It can be easy to fall into some of the "bad husband" traps.  Be aware of what they are, and make a conscious effort to change.  Be a REAL man, and be the GOOD HUSBAND your wife needs you to be!

Are You a Good or a Bad Wife?

Check out the lists below to find out if you embody mostly "Good Wife" characteristics or mostly "Bad Wife" characteristics. The cool thing is that you can change your behaviors any time, so stop doing the bad and start practicing good wifely traits :):

Good Wifely Characteristics                        

Uses Respectful Words and Attitudes                   

Calmly discusses                                      

Builds up/Praises her husband to others

Sexually Willing

Thinks more of her husbands needs than her own

Accepts responsibility for her own failings     

 Remembers what her husband does right                               

Bad Wifely Characteristics

Uses Critical Words and Attitudes

Yells and Rages

Bad-mouths her husband to others                      

Sexually Avoidant

Thinks more of ways her husband is failing her

Blames everything on her husband

Reminds herself, her husband, and everyone else what her husband does wrong


Which one will you be? A Good Wife? or A Bad Wife? You can choose today; be good to your man!

Counterfeit Sex

Is sex a sin? Absolutely not, when kept in marriage of course. The problem arises when temptations for lust and desire are for those you aren't married to. Sex before or outside of marriage is a counterfeit, porn is a counterfeit, living together without being married is a counterfeit. Only in marriage can sex unite two as one, in the bond of unity created for and by God. A sexless marriage is also sin. Unity in marriage tears down walls, builds intimacy, and exposes one's soul to their spouse and keeps the bond growing richer and deeper throughout a lifetime. Don't mistake a physical connection alone as intimacy or as desireable. The real deal of ultimate union, intimacy, and love is marriage between a husband and wife. Anything else is a deception that will ultimately lead to destruction of something whether that be unity, respect, love, commitment, trust, or true intimacy. Eliminate the counterfeit and find authentic connection in body, soul, mind, and spirit in marriage.

The Power of Words

Words. The power of them is something many people underestimate, do you? Do you remember a time someone made you feel amazing with something they said to you or about you? Now, do you remember a time words hurt you so much you felt like you were hit in the gut? That same power, to build up or to tear down, rests in you each and every day with your own family, your spouse, your children. What are your words saying? Are they building or tearing down?

The Marriage Saver

As Christian marriage coaches, it should be no surprise that Tim and I are believers in the one and only true answer to marriage problems...the Lord (and all of life's other problems, too :-)! Yet, what might that look like in everyday life? Well, there was an amazing statistic presented at our church this weekend. It was one that we had never heard before, and we have heard many. We've heard it stated that 50% of all marriages are estimated to fail in the general population and that 35% of Christian marriages are estimated to fail. However, the one from this weekend was encouraging....for couples who pray together? The odds go from 1 out of 3 marriages failing to 1 out of 1500 (or a number around there, I don't EXACTLY remember, lol). However, the point of the statistic is powerful marriage saving knowledge! If you don't already, please consider praying for your spouse daily. If you each do that already, consider praying together regularly. Prayer, a practical, everyday marriage saver...communication with the ultimate Marriage Saver. What have you got to lose?

The Purple-Clay Marriage

By Michelle Croyle Once upon a time, there was a red ball of clay, and it desperately wished for a ball of blue clay that she could call her very own. A ball of blue clay rolled around, waiting for the day when he, too, would meet his mate. Eventually, the red clay ball rolled out into the big world and bumped into the blue clay ball. They rolled along together for a while, and they enjoyed each other's company. The blue clay thought the red clay was super cute, and the red clay thought the blue clay was quite a hunk. One day, the two decided to get married. So, they rolled around together until the red of the one ball of clay and the blue of the other ball of clay became one bigger, better ball of clay, and they were no longer red and blue, they had become purple. Even if the the clay that was once red decided to go off for a weekend with the red balls of clay she used to hand around with, and even if the formerly blue clay went out to watch a football game with the blue clay pals he used to know, the two individual balls of clay were never red or blue as they had been, as they had now become purple. Purple meant that wherever one went, the other went too, not necessarily always to things like the grocery store or the PTA meeting or the boardroom or the mechanic, but in the big ball of life, red and blue would never be just red and blue, they had become something better, something more powerful, and something that would always be purple. So, if you are purple, be purple, and be proud to be purple. Don't destroy your beautiful purple color by trying to be red again. Don't destroy your strong purpleness trying to be blue again. Embrace purple. Purple will go the distance, together as one. P.S. Contact us if your purple needs some help getting stronger. marriageguyandgal@gmail.com

Passing the Blame

One questions we can ask ourselves is, "How often do we really stop to think about how our actions are affecting others?" However, perhaps an even more insightful question might be, "How often do we listen to what others say about how they feel we are treating them?" In other words, do we really listen and give our loved ones our attention and their words our consideration so that we might be able to implement change, should it be warranted, within ourselves? Or, are we more likely to blame loved ones as being too sensitive, just not understanding where we're coming from, or causing issues themselves? Before we pass the blame to others, it might be beneficial to each of us to look at our own behaviors and to consider if what we are hearing from our spouses, children, or others we care about might be something helpful rather than merely a criticism or a judgement. Change begins with each of us. Be the change you wish to see. Blessings, Michelle

What to Do When Marriage Hurts

Marriage is not supposed to be something that brings you pain. Ideally, it is God's way of assuring us that we are not alone, and that "knowing" someone unconditionally will be there for us forever is possible. It serves as a solid foundation to bring children into the world, and a take-off point from which we can go forth to work on life's goals. Marriage can be so many great things, but when it is causing more pain than blessing, it maybe time to reach out to get support and help. How to know if your marriage could use some skilled help? Are you looking forward to the future with your spouse or secretly dreading it? Is it easier for you to list your spouses faults or to speak of their good qualities? Are you hoping things can work out, or are you hoping things can end based on a technicality? It is not easy to know when to seek help, but if you are noticing that things are tending more towards the negative and less toward the positive, I encourage you to reach out. While we would love to provide your marriage with the coaching and tools to make it better, and we hope you will contact us if you need us, we just want you to get what you need to save and build your marriage. Check out other resources, too: check out marriage blogs such as this one, read marriage books, talk to a pastor or trusted friend, or take a time out together to discuss your concerns with your mate. The important thing is that you get the support you need to heal from the pain and the skills to improve your marriage rather than settle for less than God's plan for marriage to be a blessing to you. All the best, Michelle

How Can I Serve?

When we think about service, we might think about customer service, getting food at a restaurant, having a hotel room cleaned for us, or the lousy service that we got the last time we had to get the computer fixed (but I'm not bitter ;-). Yes, service can be either good or bad in the commercial world, but being in the service of the Lord will never turn out poorly when we serve as unto Him out of a sincere and giving heart. How does that look in reality?

Of course, there can be ways we serve the community, the church, the sick, the poor, the needy. Yeah, the list could go on and on, but what about the way we serve in our own home? Are you giving the best we've got to those around us, those in our very own families? What does this kind of good service look like? Maybe it is writing a note to encourage your husband in his lunch bag, cookies and milk and a time to talk to mom alone after school, chauferring the kids to sports with a sincere smile on your face, or a husband folding laundry without being asked (Thanks Marriage Guy Tim! <3). Whatever you do, do it for the Lord and with a joyful heart. Bless those closest to you with service out of a selfless sacrificial heart...even if you feel they won't notice or "don't deserve it." Jesus didn't deserve death on a cross, but look how well that turned out for all of humanity who will believe in Him :-). Give service with a joyful heart, as unto the Lord, whether they notice or not, and whether they deserve it or not, and watch as your home becomes a haven of loving acts, kindness, and togetherness...serving each other and, ultimately, God.

Married with Children?

The following was written by a God-loving woman I know, and I asked permission to post it.  She was pleased to let me share it in the hopes it would bless even more people than those who originally received it.  Enjoy!  --Michelle

        I can still remember as a kid, watching that TV show Married With Children, with the infamous family the 'Bundys'. The dysfunctional family with two middle-aged parents raising two very vibrant and vocal teenagers- one being a ditzy blond daughter named Kelly and a somewhat educated yet narrow minded son named Bud, caught the attention of my naive little brain. Week in and week out I would tune in to see what the Bundy household was up to. Somehow they seemed to pull off a moral-of-the-story type episode that kept me drawn in to their fantasyland family. But real-life married with children is far from chasing down unwanted boyfriends with a shot gun or even helping old ladies fit in to shoes that are half their size. And marriage is more than sitting on a comfy couch with your beautiful wife and spouting out rehearsed lines from a script. Married with children is WORK! And LOTS of it. Being a young married mother of two takes more energy than being an actress/actor with a full-time job! My role never gets a day off or even a season to recoup. And if your spouse has a full-time job, then you know what it feels like to work overtime when 10 hours has rolled around and you're still solo with the kids. Believe me, I think that children are the best gift from God that there is, but I need not forget that the idea of family first began with my spouse. That was where family began- with I do. My husband should get just as much of my attention as I give my two precious children. As much as I love them and want them around me, I still need to make time for the man of the house and the one who made the idea of having children a reality. Ladies, it may get lonely if you're a stay-at-home Mommy and Daddy is at work 8+ hours a day or even on the road. Yes, you may even feel disconnected from your Man because your children take more of your time and attention than he does. And guys, you may feel like you're just one person and having the financial burden of taking care of your wife & children. You may feel like there is no time for you to unwind from your busy day at the office. But remember- you are a team - husband & wife. You got one another's back and you have one mission in mind, to create a happy & healthy home and family. So, take a deep breath, cause you need one, take some time for yourself, cause you deserve it, but most importantly, take yourselves out on a date as often as you can,cause you depend on it! Take time to celebrate YOU as a couple - married with children!

Be Blessed~

Chrissy

Satan is a Liar!

You know, my husband Tim and I are not the type of people who stand on street corners with signs shouting at people to make them come to our viewpoints on spiritual matters.  We aren't confrontational people by nature, and while we are not endorsing peace at all costs (there are certainly times one needs to speak truth and stand by convictions), we certainly prefer a low key approach as opposed to a fire and brimstone one.  So, for me to use an exclamation point in the title of the post, I must really mean it.

This morning, my hubby, said something to the effect of: "You know why Satan wants to destroy marriages?  He not only wants to break up the family, corrode the foundations of society, and hurt the husband and the wife, he does it because he knows that marriage is supposed to represent our relationship to God, and that by working to break up marriages, he wants people to think that marriage can't last, that our relationship to God isn't permanent."  (Nothing can separate us from God's love, Romans 8:38-39).    

While I know that my man is a deep thinker, I was really impressed not only by the way he ended his thought, but also by the next thing he said in a matter-of-fact tone and final concluding phrase "Satan's a liar."

Just like that, something I have known my whole life was said in such a way as to really hit me with truth.  For instance, when I doubt my true abilities, Satan is a liar.  When I feel defeated, Satan is a liar.  When relationships look hopeless, Satan is a liar.

In what ways do you need to realize this truth and challenge the thoughts that are not the truth of God for your life?  In your family, in your relationships, in your work, in your parenting, in your marriage, in your self-esteem....if it isn't of God, remember: Satan is a liar.

Blessings,
Marriage Gal Michelle and Marriage Guy Tim

Laugh Together!

Do you ever wish you and your spouse were closer? What about you and your children? Sometimes, life gets so hectic with jobs, responsibilities, and stress that we forget to make and take the time to enjoy time together.

When is the last time you called your child up on your lap to read him a story? What about the last time you took in a baseball game with your spouse, or went bowling with your wife? There are so many wonderful and inexpensive ways to "touch-base" each day and each week with each other!

Take time to enjoy sharing life together! Even a ten minute game of Yahtzee can build intimacy, or watching old cartoon episodes together can make you share in laughter and connection.

What do you think is enjoyable? What does your spouse think is fun? What do your children beg you to do with them?

Some ideas:

• Take a walk and hunt for animal tracks, pinecones, various leaf varieties, or flower types.
• Go to a candy store and stock up on your favorites from childhood together.
• Make homemade goop or play-doh and form it into letters to spell out something sweet or silly.
• Get a book of silly jokes from the library and read them to each other.
• Make "bucket lists" and share your thoughts with each other on the items you each want to do before you die.
• Splurge on ice-cream with various sundae toppings, and have a "make-your-own sundae" time before popping in a Netflix movie you've all been wanting to see.

The possibilities are practically endless, but your joy and intimacy will continue to grow!

Have fun!

Words of Hurt or Healing?

Proverbs 12:18
Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.

Have you ever just basked in the warm and beautiful feeling of kind words being spoken to/of you?

It feels a whole lot better than sarcasm, rudeness, and thoughtlessness, doesn't it?

These words of the wise that bring healing are gifts from our Heavenly Father. He never wanted us to be cut down by others. He never wants us to be hurt.

The problem is that free will thing again; free will in a fallen world. Sometimes good, and sometimes awfully distasteful, huh?

While I can't promise that you will never be hurt again by the carelessness of someone else, I can promise that God has better thoughts toward and about you than anyone trying to tear you down, and this includes yourself! God thinks you are a beautiful creation, and He wants you to know it, too!

Just as kind words, wise words, appropriately timed words, and Godly words bring healing in our lives, we can bring healing and speak encouragment and edification into the lives of others.

We have the power to impact our husbands, wives, children, co-workers, friends, relatives, and even complete strangers with our words.

Don't forget the power of the tongue, or the power of the Lord to overcome it when it is used inappropriately. Be the change you wish to see :-)!

Building Up or Tearing Down?

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
(Proverbs 14:1).

This verse really speaks to me, as I have personally seen it to be true in my own life and in the lives of some of those I know. In my own life, it didn't take long for me to realize, as a newlywed, that if I didn't yell and start arguments, fights would very rarely occur. My husband is just a peace loving guy. This doesn't mean that we haven't had disagreements, but it does mean that when I chose to be responsible with my own words and actions, things went best for me, my husband, our marriage, and our household. Needless to say, I still (almost 17 years later) choose the path of peace and respectful discussion rather than being argumentative and yelling (at least the majority of the time ;-).

I've watched people with beautiful families tear them apart with adultery, deception, put-downs of a spouse, wall-building, and game playing, to name just a few of the foolish deeds, that people commit with their own choices.

What are you doing to build up your house? What are you doing to tear it down?

Much of what happens to us is the result of our own choices, whether the choices are wise or whether they make our own hands destroy that which we desire to build.

Movie Wisdom for Life

My husband, Tim, and I are huge movie buffs.  We like so many genres.  From the classics to action-adventures, from romantic comedies to sci-fi, and of course, anything by Pixar.  So, for a light-hearted but meaningful post today, we are going to post some of our favorite movie quotes that are great insights in ways to live: (Some are our best paraphrases, so the quotes may not be perfect, but the gist is there, lol!) 

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What can you do but to swim, swim, swim?" -Finding Nemo

"Just put one foot in front of the other." -Santa Claus is Coming to Town

"Get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out all day.  After a while, I won't have to remind my self to do it."  -Sleepless in Seattle

"Do or do not, there is no try." -Star Wars

"There is good in this world (Mr. Frodo), and it's worth fighting for." -Lord of the Rings